If you read my last post, you know that we recently lost our good friend Justin, who died suddenly back in February. Losing Justin was harder than I thought it would be. I am still in a state of disbelief, like, "this can't be real. How could this have happened?" I am a little less sad about his death every day, but I still think about him, and I miss him. Of course that is all part of the greiving process.
After Justin died, I started to feel something I had never felt before. Aside from the grief I was feeling, I started to feel "funny" about my relationship with God. The Sunday immediately after Justin's death, I didn't play or sing in church because it just felt funny. I didn't read my bible or pray for several days after it happened. It just felt funny. I felt funny singing words like "how great is our God," when, to be quite honest, I didn't agree with those words at the moment. Could I actually be angry at God? I thought to myself. I had never felt that before. I had spent the past year or so cultivating a relationship with God that was deep and meaninful and I was crazy in love with God. But now, I was feeling angry.
So I sat down with Evan and told him all of this. He agreed that feeling anger toward God is natural when something like this happens. And then my very wise husband told me something that I have heard, written about, and preached many times. "We may not know what God's plan is in all of this, and we may not like it or agree with it, but He is in control and His plan is perfect." He added, "This is the time when our faith is tested and when we persevere through the tough times, that's when we grow and mature in our faith." (Do I have a great husband or WHAT?)
Evan was completely and utterly right. He was practically quoting James chapter 1 which says:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
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12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12 has become my "life verse" since Justin passed away. Little by little, I am trying to cope with the fact that although I may not like or agree with God's decision to take Justin, God IS in control. His ways are perfect. And the real test will be for me - if I can come out on the other side of this a stronger, and more mature follower of God. And what do I get? A crown of LIFE, that God has promised to me.
While I miss Justin a lot, and I am still very sad, ultimately, it is my devotion to God that counts the most. He is in control, and His plan is perfect. And, hopefully I will get to see Justin again when we are standing in God's great glory.
